DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!

I managed to get myself out of a very dramatic relationship a few years back. Then I found myself in another dramatic relationship, that i abruptly removed myself from. Only to discover yet another, albeit deeper, dramatic relationship, of which I removed myself. I was enjoying a nice quiet fun drama free life. And then something inside me prompted myself to pursue the second mentioned relationship in hopes that things had changed and to make things right on how they ended. And now... once again... i find my life full of DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reckless abandonment

Some stuff has happened in my life over the course of the month of December, that's made me realize that whether I do it intentionally or not, sometimes I live in a manner of reckless abandonment. Not saying I abandon things, it's rare that I give up without a fight. But I throw all of myself into something, or someone without thought or care of how it could turn out or how i could be hurt by it all. In some ways, I think this could be a down fall, but in other ways, it's probably given me experiences that other people would never have had for fear of the unknown. Case in point, the trip that is rapidly approaching. Only 6 1/2 weeks until I embark on what will probably be the greatest adventure of my life, only to be trumped by marriage and motherhood. That's an insanely big adventure!! There have definitely been moments where I've thought, "what am i doing!? why don't i just take my money and buy a new car and get a new job that I will hate as much as the last and stay in my nice safe little bubble!" These thoughts seem to be happening a little more often as the date gets closer and closer. But I'm going... i'm sticking to it and am going to live my life to the fullest, because I only have one and I'm only young, single and childless once!
So keeping with the abandonment thing.... I'm not abandoning this blog. Although with the frequency of my posts lately, you'd think otherwise (i'm sorry blog, i really do care about you!) I'm going to start a second, separate side blog. Would that be the proper terminology? I'm going to have a blog fling that will focus on me and my trip and that i'll probably try to monetize so I can make some cash while traveling. Probably not much, but at this point, every penny will help! I'm sure I'll still come back here and update as I have time. But this blog will be lurking in the shadows for a while.

I had a revelation!!

As the realization that all my credit card debt has been paid off and all i have remaining are a couple small ticket items, I've been thinking about different aspects of life. Several realizations that lead up to one larger all encompassing revelation.

1. I've been responsible and taken action and have taken care of my very old outstanding debts. Debts that left prior chapters of my life open. In some ways, holding me back from moving on with my life.

2. I've finally reached a point where I am completely content with my body. I like food and I like to eat. I'm not going to torture myself by dieting and denying myself delicious rich extravagant foods. I will however enjoy them in moderation and exercise to keep my heart healthy.

3. I've lived alone for the last year and a half and have traveled alone and have learned how to enjoy and be content with the presence of my own company.

4. I've successfully supported myself for the last several years. Learning how to budget responsibly allowing myself to pay bills and have fun at the same time.

5. I've been in and successfully removed myself from an unhealthy relationship. Making me establish boundaries for what I will and won't tolerate in future relationships. Both friendly and romantic.

6. I have a lifetime goal for myself, actually there's two of them, that are self-centric. I want to do them for me, because I want to do them and not because someone else has any interest in having me do them.

• I want at least one of my pictures to hang on a wall in a museum. This may actually not be accomplished until I'm dead, but it gives me a goal while I take the pictures.
• I want to start an organization for women who have been involved in domestic violence. However, this will not be an organization that caters to the "victim mentality" which I ran into endlessly while I was going through my stuff. I want this organization to focus on the women healing, becoming strong and realizing she can be self reliant. Also, part of this organization will focus on middle and high school girls. Teaching women in the making the signs of domestic violence as well as teaching them that their worth is not wrapped around having a guy in their lives and reinforcing a positive self image to prevent them getting into such a relationship.

All of this leads up to the revelation I had. I believe I've finally reached a point where I'm an adult and have learned some of the most important lessons that life has to offer and have something to bring to the table. For the first time ever in my life, I feel like I'm ready to share my life with a man. Not make him my life, but share my life with him.

Look out world while I'm traveling! :)

coming soon.....

www.notalonephoto.com
the domain's registered... i just have to find time to work on it... but at least i saved a domain name.

business cards

I just ordered business cards from one of those crazy "get 250 free business cards" places. I figured this would be a good little thing to use to get my name/work out there. i could leave them at random places, like starbucks, or the gas station. anyways, i guess we'll see how they turn out and what, if anything, they drum up.

wow... has it really been a month!?

I can't believe I haven't even visited this website for the last month... scandelous! I guess the reality of being laid off and the busyness of starting to tie up loose ends and birthdays and bills and life in general demanded more of my attention. Either way, here's a quick update... I sold two pictures... yay! And have someone else asking about buying some... double yay!! Well, that's all for today... hopefully I'll start being around more often.

The Future

This blog has the potential to either become extremely exciting or extremely boring in the next 6 months!

So, now that I've taken a week to let the news that was shared with us sink in... I feel like I'm finally ready to share some more on the public domain regarding it. My brain feels as though it's been the little metal ball in a very active pinball machine for the last week. I've gone over countless scenarios of what to do with my life and which direction to go.

Initially, my panic stricken gut induced reaction was to continue with the Portland plan. But still, it doesn't feel quite right. Keep in mind, the portland idea has been around for a few years, I was still with my ex a number of years ago when it first came up. He's actually the one that put that idea in my head and boy did I fight it. It was only after I was out on my own that i started to ponder the idea of embracing this path. But it's never really sat well with me. As soon as I started feeling like it was settling down inside my head this week, pondering that idea, i still couldn't embrace it. I woke up Monday for working thinking, I hate my job, I don't want to go to work. And then naturally, that progressed to... will those thoughts really change just because i'm in a different city and office doing essentially the same job?

On Tuesday, someone had told me, it's as if God is saying, "what do you WANT to do esther?". I've thought about this question a lot over the last few days. So much so that last night when traffic was backed up and it was obvious it was going to be a 90 minute, yes, you read that right, an hour and a half commute home! I couldn't deal with it last night, so I turned around and went to the beach. The beautiful cold grey northern california beach. And i sat in my car and i thought...

What DO i WANT to do? Normally when people would ask me that, it would be while discussing work... my job, what i've done for the last 10 years which is financing/leasing. I'd tell them, I want to travel and take pictures. They'd laugh at me and say, ok, now seriously, what do you want to do? I still want to travel and take pictures. And for all intents and purposes, this is my opportunity to do just that! I'm single, I have no kids, I have no mortgage or car payment. I'm getting some money from the job. When will I have this opportunity again, to be able to set out with no pre determined date that I have to be back to work!?! I even talked to my brother (who proceeded to tell me with lots of colorful language, I'd be an idiot to let this opportunity go by without taking it!) and he's agreed to house and pet sit for me long term while I'm out galavanting across the globe. And the most wonderful part of all of this I think... I feel completely at ease, peacefull and SO excited about it!!!

So, now it's a matter of researching different things. I'm still not one to rush into things without a little bit of asking opinions under my belt, so I'll probably run the idea by a couple other people older and wiser than I. But I'm pretty sure this is the route I'm gonna take. I think I'll get a nice new laptop, since the one I'd been using got a virus and is shot! I won't get started on that! And I may even get a digital SLR camera and some lenses. I know I know, this goes against everything I've said earlier. But I don't want to have to worry about carting around and/or buying loads of film while I'm in Africa, or Japan, or India, or Europe!! And if I have digital, I can put pictures up right away for all 2 of my adoring readers to admire.

So, sit back, strap in, relax and enjoy the adventure I'm about to set off on!!!!