reckless abandonment

Some stuff has happened in my life over the course of the month of December, that's made me realize that whether I do it intentionally or not, sometimes I live in a manner of reckless abandonment. Not saying I abandon things, it's rare that I give up without a fight. But I throw all of myself into something, or someone without thought or care of how it could turn out or how i could be hurt by it all. In some ways, I think this could be a down fall, but in other ways, it's probably given me experiences that other people would never have had for fear of the unknown. Case in point, the trip that is rapidly approaching. Only 6 1/2 weeks until I embark on what will probably be the greatest adventure of my life, only to be trumped by marriage and motherhood. That's an insanely big adventure!! There have definitely been moments where I've thought, "what am i doing!? why don't i just take my money and buy a new car and get a new job that I will hate as much as the last and stay in my nice safe little bubble!" These thoughts seem to be happening a little more often as the date gets closer and closer. But I'm going... i'm sticking to it and am going to live my life to the fullest, because I only have one and I'm only young, single and childless once!
So keeping with the abandonment thing.... I'm not abandoning this blog. Although with the frequency of my posts lately, you'd think otherwise (i'm sorry blog, i really do care about you!) I'm going to start a second, separate side blog. Would that be the proper terminology? I'm going to have a blog fling that will focus on me and my trip and that i'll probably try to monetize so I can make some cash while traveling. Probably not much, but at this point, every penny will help! I'm sure I'll still come back here and update as I have time. But this blog will be lurking in the shadows for a while.

I had a revelation!!

As the realization that all my credit card debt has been paid off and all i have remaining are a couple small ticket items, I've been thinking about different aspects of life. Several realizations that lead up to one larger all encompassing revelation.

1. I've been responsible and taken action and have taken care of my very old outstanding debts. Debts that left prior chapters of my life open. In some ways, holding me back from moving on with my life.

2. I've finally reached a point where I am completely content with my body. I like food and I like to eat. I'm not going to torture myself by dieting and denying myself delicious rich extravagant foods. I will however enjoy them in moderation and exercise to keep my heart healthy.

3. I've lived alone for the last year and a half and have traveled alone and have learned how to enjoy and be content with the presence of my own company.

4. I've successfully supported myself for the last several years. Learning how to budget responsibly allowing myself to pay bills and have fun at the same time.

5. I've been in and successfully removed myself from an unhealthy relationship. Making me establish boundaries for what I will and won't tolerate in future relationships. Both friendly and romantic.

6. I have a lifetime goal for myself, actually there's two of them, that are self-centric. I want to do them for me, because I want to do them and not because someone else has any interest in having me do them.

• I want at least one of my pictures to hang on a wall in a museum. This may actually not be accomplished until I'm dead, but it gives me a goal while I take the pictures.
• I want to start an organization for women who have been involved in domestic violence. However, this will not be an organization that caters to the "victim mentality" which I ran into endlessly while I was going through my stuff. I want this organization to focus on the women healing, becoming strong and realizing she can be self reliant. Also, part of this organization will focus on middle and high school girls. Teaching women in the making the signs of domestic violence as well as teaching them that their worth is not wrapped around having a guy in their lives and reinforcing a positive self image to prevent them getting into such a relationship.

All of this leads up to the revelation I had. I believe I've finally reached a point where I'm an adult and have learned some of the most important lessons that life has to offer and have something to bring to the table. For the first time ever in my life, I feel like I'm ready to share my life with a man. Not make him my life, but share my life with him.

Look out world while I'm traveling! :)

coming soon.....

www.notalonephoto.com
the domain's registered... i just have to find time to work on it... but at least i saved a domain name.

business cards

I just ordered business cards from one of those crazy "get 250 free business cards" places. I figured this would be a good little thing to use to get my name/work out there. i could leave them at random places, like starbucks, or the gas station. anyways, i guess we'll see how they turn out and what, if anything, they drum up.

wow... has it really been a month!?

I can't believe I haven't even visited this website for the last month... scandelous! I guess the reality of being laid off and the busyness of starting to tie up loose ends and birthdays and bills and life in general demanded more of my attention. Either way, here's a quick update... I sold two pictures... yay! And have someone else asking about buying some... double yay!! Well, that's all for today... hopefully I'll start being around more often.

The Future

This blog has the potential to either become extremely exciting or extremely boring in the next 6 months!

So, now that I've taken a week to let the news that was shared with us sink in... I feel like I'm finally ready to share some more on the public domain regarding it. My brain feels as though it's been the little metal ball in a very active pinball machine for the last week. I've gone over countless scenarios of what to do with my life and which direction to go.

Initially, my panic stricken gut induced reaction was to continue with the Portland plan. But still, it doesn't feel quite right. Keep in mind, the portland idea has been around for a few years, I was still with my ex a number of years ago when it first came up. He's actually the one that put that idea in my head and boy did I fight it. It was only after I was out on my own that i started to ponder the idea of embracing this path. But it's never really sat well with me. As soon as I started feeling like it was settling down inside my head this week, pondering that idea, i still couldn't embrace it. I woke up Monday for working thinking, I hate my job, I don't want to go to work. And then naturally, that progressed to... will those thoughts really change just because i'm in a different city and office doing essentially the same job?

On Tuesday, someone had told me, it's as if God is saying, "what do you WANT to do esther?". I've thought about this question a lot over the last few days. So much so that last night when traffic was backed up and it was obvious it was going to be a 90 minute, yes, you read that right, an hour and a half commute home! I couldn't deal with it last night, so I turned around and went to the beach. The beautiful cold grey northern california beach. And i sat in my car and i thought...

What DO i WANT to do? Normally when people would ask me that, it would be while discussing work... my job, what i've done for the last 10 years which is financing/leasing. I'd tell them, I want to travel and take pictures. They'd laugh at me and say, ok, now seriously, what do you want to do? I still want to travel and take pictures. And for all intents and purposes, this is my opportunity to do just that! I'm single, I have no kids, I have no mortgage or car payment. I'm getting some money from the job. When will I have this opportunity again, to be able to set out with no pre determined date that I have to be back to work!?! I even talked to my brother (who proceeded to tell me with lots of colorful language, I'd be an idiot to let this opportunity go by without taking it!) and he's agreed to house and pet sit for me long term while I'm out galavanting across the globe. And the most wonderful part of all of this I think... I feel completely at ease, peacefull and SO excited about it!!!

So, now it's a matter of researching different things. I'm still not one to rush into things without a little bit of asking opinions under my belt, so I'll probably run the idea by a couple other people older and wiser than I. But I'm pretty sure this is the route I'm gonna take. I think I'll get a nice new laptop, since the one I'd been using got a virus and is shot! I won't get started on that! And I may even get a digital SLR camera and some lenses. I know I know, this goes against everything I've said earlier. But I don't want to have to worry about carting around and/or buying loads of film while I'm in Africa, or Japan, or India, or Europe!! And if I have digital, I can put pictures up right away for all 2 of my adoring readers to admire.

So, sit back, strap in, relax and enjoy the adventure I'm about to set off on!!!!

decisions decisions....

So, yesterday started out to be a normal day. And then at about 9 am all hell at work started breaking loose. The consolidated story (because I don't feel like typing for days) is that they've decided to close the office I work in and move everything up to Portland.

So you say to yourself... but Esther, this should be good news, it was just the other day you were talking about moving up to Portland with work. Well, yes, yes i was. However, that was while I was still gainfully employed with the company still operating as it was. Now I've been told that my last day of work will be January 14, I'll have a retention bonus because they're keeping me longer than most of my other co-workers and I'll have 5 weeks of severance pay. On top of this, I'm sure I could collect unemployment.

Now, god bless 'em, I'm at a massive crossroads having to make a decision. Do I take the money and run and get out of corporate financing, an industry that's given me more grey hairs than I care to admit and has caused me to cry unexplicably and that ultimately, I don't really want to be doing... at least not this kind of financing and try to pursue photography full time or even something else that's less stress and that i actually enjoy. Or, do I still try to transfer up to Portland, have to interview for a job I've already been doing, just because it's in a new location, and continue on with the plan to go to school and try to salvage at least the retention bonus to help with moving costs?

Either direction will send my life in a massively new and different direction and will have a huge impact on me. To be honest... i'm scared.

Holy Leaping Lizards Batman!!

I'm amazed at how things work out sometimes... or at least start to work out and proceed down the road to working out with no major speed bumps in sight!

So in a previous post I mentioned the grand plan... But I don't think I got into details on how some of that can/will be accomplished. There's a good possibility I may relocate from the beautiful san francisco bay area to portland oregon. Why portland when you live in one of the most wonderful areas of the world you ask. Well... the bank I work for has their financing hq located up there... which is the area i happen to work in. And, on top of that, the bank i work for has a tuition reimbursement program. Believe it or not, i've never been to college. So, I need to get out of the area for a few reasons, which will stay vague and mysterious for the time being. Anyhooo, I was dropping something off for the boss' boss to sign and he engaged me in conversation, which is typical. Throughout the course of conversation my plan came up. I was hesitant to mention this, generally, you don't want to tell your employer you don't plan on working for them for the rest of your life. But it was past the point of no return and I had to spill the beans. Much to my pleasant surprise, he was more than excited and supportive of me. Informed me he has some business contacts in India, where I'm looking at going for the micro-financing and also told me he'd make calls up to portland to get me in with transferring when I was ready!! Can you believe it!?! Seems as though the ducks are lining up... oh yes, they are!

LIFE

While the cereal and game by that name are two of my favorite things, this post is not about them. Rather... well, life. so, I know in my last post, I said I'd have some stuff on etsy by sunday morning, and as i'm sure you know, if you're keeping track (even though i'm probably really the only one aware of these things) there's nothing posted on etsy. I do actually have a very real legitimate excuse. My mom was in the hospital. There you have it... life happened and I spent the entire day sitting at kaiser. BORING... especially when i was thinking about all the other things i needed to be doing. BUT, just like life likes to do... i got another shocking surprise today. I'd been sitting here thinking, as I do, while I commute to work and while i sit at my desk and should be working.... i should try to get my photos into an art show or something like that. And low and behold... a co worker hosts art shows. So there you have it, nothing posted on etsy, but an open door to get an art show going on! whoooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooo!!!

Why I'm doing this....

I feel I owe you all an explanation of why I’m setting out to try to start a career in photography. At 31 no less, this type of thing is normally started in someone’s twenties I suppose; but I’ve always been a late bloomer.

I’ve known since I was a teenager that I was never destined to live a nice cushy life in America or work at a corporate job, although this is how my life looks at the moment. I’ve always known that I was meant to be in a developing country working with the locals and children, immersing myself into their lives and their culture. Although this dream managed to conveniently be forgotten when the nice substantial regular paychecks started coming in; it never really left me, kind of like a piece of toilet paper that gets stuck to your shoe.

I’ve lived a very interesting and colorful life, full of challenges and obstacles that I never let stop me. I live my life with the motto; it’ll all work out, somehow. Recently, within the last year or so; I’ve reached a new level of discontent with my job and my life. Not that I live a hard or miserable life, but just feeling unfulfilled, which I came to discover, made me miserable. I’ve been struggling with that age old question: What am I supposed to do with my life!? I have all these experiences, good and bad, and have this invaluable experience from my job which has refined my business sense and I’m smart and I’m artistic… how can I tie all of these things together to make me feel like I’m doing something meaningful with my life and helping others.

So, I was throwing different ideas around in my head, none of them seeming to encapsulate everything. The one consistent thing however, was, I need to start trying to sell my pictures. This can be a source of income, however small it may be, and is something I can do no matter where I’m at in the world. So while playing with this idea, debating it and trying to talk myself out of it, I finally figured it out… the master plan. Well, the master plan of the moment anyways.
The most accurate analogy I have of what I was feeling is this. It was like I had all the pieces of the puzzle, but I was missing the puzzle box with the picture on it and couldn’t figure out how to put it together. I have my intellect and my business sense, financing to be specific. That’s what I do for my day job. I have my artsy-fartsy side with the pictures and this latest venture with attempting to sell my pictures. (I promise to have at least one thing posted on Etsy by Sunday morning!) I have my desire that I’ve never lost, nor will I ever lose to help people, those that are genuinely in need, specifically children and women. I have the invaluable experience, that as horrendous as it was while I was in it, I wouldn’t change it for anything because it’s made me the woman I am today, of having survived a physical, emotional and verbally abusive relationship for three years. All of these things make up who I am and all of them I believe can be used to accomplish a common goal and bring fulfillment to me and ultimately bring honor and joy to my Father in heaven.

So, here’s my idea that’s crazy enough that I can’t accomplish it, but only God can. And it’s the first thing in a long time that has gotten me excited and passionate that hasn’t fizzled out within a couple days or weeks. While I have an idea of how to start accomplishing this, the course could change, but the final destination is ultimately what’s important here. With the experience of learning how to market and sell my own trade products (photos) I can take that knowledge to other countries and help ladies start to be able to sell their own products. After all, the whole fair-trade thing seems to be huge and not going anywhere. Also, this is the piece that really tied everything together, I can use my financing background to help with micro-financing so that these women can get their own little things off the ground and running. I specifically see using this to help women be able to support themselves and their children and possibly leave unhealthy and potentially dangerous situations and to help children to be able to learn a skill and be able to support themselves, orphans primarily, as they don’t have families. Obviously, it needs some refining, but it’s a start. And when you’ve spent the last 8 years I guess, just living from paycheck to paycheck with no real satisfying goal in mind, the beginnings of something, however rough and unrefined they may be, are like an oasis in the Sahara!

Anyways, I feel like a big goober, because I haven’t really told many people about this. And it seems so out there and unreal I sometimes think I’m nuts. But I’ve always had big dreams and goals, and even if I fall a million times trying to do it, I’ll run after it till the door is sufficiently slammed in my face and my dense self finally realizes it’s impossible and not going to happen. However, I have a feeling, that’s not going to be the outcome of this.

Haaaaallllllelujah, hallelujah, halleluuujaaaahhhh

Envision me singing the hallelujah chorus from handel's messiah... well, ok dont, i don't do singing well!

Anywho, there is a reason for this overjoyous expression! I have some incredible, awesome, amazing pictures that I took years ago when I was using my Kodak APS/Advantix camera. And here i was thinking to myself, I wonder if anyone even still processes that film. It would sucks if they didn't becuase they're great pictures. Actually, they're the first pictures I took that made me think I could do this for a living. They're freakin awesome!!! Oh, I digress.... so, I found a place... a local place that I've been meaning to visit to look at camera equipment as it was. And they process APS film!!! HALLELUJAH!! I'm overjoyed! I'm so excited, and i just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it, i like it! oh god, sorry. Between getting my work for the month done with a day to spare and this discovery, I'm just giddy.
Now, I just have to find the pictures and the film cartridges. I'm ashamed at how I store my pictures. I don't give them any where near the respect they deserve. Something for me to work on. But at least once I do find the stuff, I can actually get reprints!

Maybe I spoke to soon?

So, a few days back, I ranted a little bit about how I prefer film to digital because it's more pure and you can't alter film like you can digital, blah blah blah. Anyways, my friend told me about this awesome website... picnik.com which i've been using to put the watermarks on my pictures to protect them to some extent.
Wellllllllllllllll..... I was playing around with some of the effects and started thinking about things i could do with my pictures. Suffice to say, maybe I spoke to soon when i was bashing digital stuff... I still prefer film and have no intention of switching my medium any time soon. But I definitely plan on playing with the options that digital format allows.
For example... a friend of mine suggested putting one of my pictures in sepia to reduce the glare from the sky. It was a stormy rainy day in Pisa, which made for some awesome backgrounds behind the tower of Pisa, but glary sky at the river. But, part of the whole reason why I took this one picture, was because I liked the colors of the buildings. So the little lightbulb in my head went off and i thought.... wait a second... maybe I can have the best of both worlds.... and viola!!

YO! you gotta pic?

So... sometimes, when I get bored, I play around in the arena of responding to personal ads via craigs list. Yes, I know this can be scary and creepy, but i've actually met some pretty cool people this way. And since all my friends are hitched with kids, sometimes i need to expand my circle so that i have people to go out with and have fun with. So anyways, I've been emailing this one guy and the whole premise was to email each other and get to know each other before exchanging pictures. He says its disturbing when the first email is one line consisting of, 'got a pic?'.

So, in honor of online dating... here's some pics for ya! btw, the guy was pretty cute! :)

what a brilliant idea!

I had forgotten to show my fabulous picture to a couple friends at work, so I brought it back in today. And when one of my co-workers saw it again, for the third time. She was still taken aback at how good it was and said i should enter it into the fair. I would have NEVER thought of this, I just don't go to fairs, so I don't know what there is. But that is a brilliant idea! I must research and find out all the details. This could be another good way to get my stuff out there for other people to see other than me and my friends. I like where this is going! Not only can I consider the fair, but I should see what other types of photo contests are around. I've had friends tell me for years that I should enter photo contests, but I never have. My self depreciation and unbelief in myself kept me from actually doing it. I mean, yeah, the idea sounds great, but i always talked myself out of it by saying i wasn't professional and why would they pick my picture. wellllll... times, they are a changing!

WOWZER!!!

I just got my first picture (which happens to be my profile picture) professionally framed and its home with me and absolutely amazingly beautiful! I want to show it off like i just had a baby! lol Definitely puts a little perk in my step and ads a little more fuel to the fire to get this thing going. I'm so proud of myself! I took a couple pictures so you could see the details of the framing. Thank you to Ragged Sailor Framing for the fabulous job helping me pick the matting and frame for it. Definitely wasn't cheap, but money well spent in my opinion. So, it's a little hard to tell, but the frame is like blue with a light silver coating and the matting is a similiar blue with black and white with a hint of a bluish tint to it.

my goal!

That I have yet to start on is.... to take one roll of pictures a week. Yes, I still use a film camera, I'm old fashioned in some ways, and that's one of them. I think there's a certain level of skill to take good pictures both digitally and with film. But digital almost feels like cheating sometimes because you can always alter stuff with it if you have the right software programs. Film seems more harsh and judgmental in the sense that, what you took is what you get, period! So, I've been kinda broke lately, but today's payday! Yay, so that means I need to make a stop to pick up some film. I've been thinking about heading over to Mare Island around dusk... I like old buildings and with some of the stuff they have, could make an interesting skyline with the sun going down. Also need to bust out my tripod and do some night photography again. The refineries should be an interesting setting for night time. My ex actually had that idea, so i owe the asshole some credit there, but he never acted on it. My mom says refineries at night make her think of a fairyland. Personally, they remind me of those little green guys villages in fraggle rock... you know, the things they ate.

you have to start somewhere.... right!?

So a little about me and why i just created a blogging account i guess would be a good place to start.

I took a trip to italy a couple weeks ago... by myself, but we'll get to that later. While on this trip, i had no choice but to do a lot of self reflection and thinking trying to figure out what to do with my life. while i have a good job that pays well and affords me a nice comfortable life... it doesn't make me happy! I want to be happy! who doesn't? One of the crazy ideas that came into my head was starting a blog, which i quickly dismissed... who would want to read my ramblings... but then, a lady i used to work with suggested i start a blog. So between that unsolicited comment and some encouraging friends, here i am!

I like taking pictures... I'm good at taking pictures... taking pictures makes me happy... are you figuring out where this is going? So, another thought I had while in italy was... why not try selling some of my photos... i've had people want to buy them before, but i never acted on it. Hopefully it's not to late to start this. The internet is a wonderful tool... so why not take advantage of it. of course, this means i have to get over my self consciousness and actually put the pictures out there for all the world to see. something that makes me very nervous. I'm still working on this part... a link will follow.

Now, a little more about me... i'm 30, soon to be 31. I'm single, have never been married, really only been in one serious relationship, that was a disaster. I blame it for me still being single and not having any resemblance of a relationship since i left him, almost 3 years ago. And i'm actually pretty cute, i can get a date! :) I don't have any kids... thank God! Maybe someday, when i've met the right guy, just not yet. All my friends are married and have kids... well not all of them have kids, but like 98% of them have kids... and they are definitely all married. In light of my relationship status and my social circle... i do a lot of stuff alone.... thus the 10 night vacation to italy alone.

The most common reaction i got when i told people i was going to italy, while i was in italy, and even now that i'm home from italy was this.... ALONE!?! yes, alone...

As an independent single woman, i find it very annoying and almost condescending that society puts such a negative association on doing things alone. Especially as a woman... it's like all the emphasis is on having to get into a relationship or finding a man to complete you. but thats so not true! While i have my moments of loneliness, and everyone does, i cherish my time alone. i can do whatever i want, i don't have to ask anyone if they're ok with it, i can watch whatever tv shows i want, eat wherever i want, drive however i want, take any type of vacation i want! Part of the point of this blog is to debunk the common perception that a single girl can't do things by herself and enjoy herself. And in reality... you're really not alone!

Also, you can follow my crazy adventures as i try to figure out what to do with my life that will make me happy and fulfilled... and i have ideas brewing... oh yes, i do!